Because we are not women
Well, there are good days and there are bad days. The good days are far more numerous than the bad days, but the bad days are still awful.
WARNING: excessive negativity in this post. I will try to balance it with a positive post when my mood lightens. This is just how I feel on my bad days, not how I feel all the time.
On the bad days:
When I am sick, I am told that it’s all in my head or that I’m trying to upstage someone who is really sick.
When I am depressed, I am told to get over it. The words “pity party” have been used.
When I do something stupid - which happens quite often - I get dressed down in front of Cecily. This morning she was looking back and forth between me and Mommy trying to figure out what was going on.
I work an eight-hour day, come home and spend two hours watching my daughter; I also watch her all day on the weekends. I come straight home after work and do not go out by myself on the weekends. If I did not run my games I would not have a social life.
I also spend up to 10 hours a week maintaining and expanding my computing skills so I can continue to get the best paying consulting gigs. Most of this is through technical reading but I also have programming and 300 e-mail messages a day from various mailing lists.
I’ve never been treated like a king nor have I ever asked that - and I am very aware of my personal failings. I constantly promise to spend an hour working on chores and frequently do not follow through. I sleep in later than I should, and cannot do the dishes, laundry, or vacuuming correctly. I am not even capable of feeding Cecily without major incident.
I get depressed, I guess, because I want a word of encouragement or sympathy now and again but do things so poorly and inconsistently at home that instead I constantly frustrate Ama. When she frowns, it feels like a bottomless pit opens up beneath my feet, and when she is angry all the color runs out of my life. Here is the most wonderful, beautiful creature I have ever met and yet I do nothing but upset her. All I ever want to do with my life is make her smile, and yet I cannot do the smallest things that would make her happy.
Maybe I’ll feel better after lunch.